The Time I Stole an Election

I’ve never really understood the appeal of competition. Arbitrary, rule governed, masturbatory aids built to see what esoteric set of skills you possess over another relative to the aforementioned arbitrary rule structure. You want to know how to always win at chess? I’ll give you a little secret. When your opponent approaches you and invites you to compete – decline. Then when they turn around to leave, bash the back of their skull in with a tire iron and then agree to play. You’ll win like 99% of the time. It’s under a similar premise that Chessboxing matches begin to make a bit more sense. Continue reading


That One Time When I Poisoned Everyone

I love poisoning people. No, not in a murderous sort of way. I just derive a great deal of joy from giving people chemicals and seeing what sort of reactions they have to them. Think of me like a doctor or a scientist. Admittedly, perhaps, my predilections might be more akin to that of a “mad” scientist, but we’ve all got start somewhere. Continue reading

That One Time I Was From Brooklyn

A long time ago I had a job at a clothing store. It wasn’t the most exciting place. And it’s that feeling of immersing yourself in the mundane – that hollow sinking feeling in your chest you get when you know you’re repeatedly doing something so dull and worthless – that’s the theme I really want to impart on you going forward with this little tale of sex, fake accents, and adapting to boredom. Continue reading

My time in ye ol’ Mental Institution

Catharsis, that’s really all this is about. A type of emotional purging; in good Aristotlean fashion… How? By relating a drama of course. Just a little secret story, hidden away behind a false sense of anonymity. Just keep the word in mind going forward – “catharsis”.

I’ve been to four psychiatric care facilities – the fancy yet categorically more accurate way of saying “mental institutions”. Continue reading